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Hmm...I guess it all really started
probably when I was around, 7 maybe 8. I used to live down in Massachusetts til' I moved up here back in early 2002 but before
then my life was hell. Home life wasn't that bad I guess. I have and older brother (Pat) and two sisters (Jolene) one
older and the other younger (Michelle). Me and Michelle I believe are a lot closer now then we were back when we were little,
but probably Pat and I are closest. See when I was little Jolene and Pat were always beating me up and never really Michelle
and I was always getting the name calling and I don't remember hearing a lot of ''your so pretty'' and shit like that from
my parents. Home life really wasn't that bad unless my mum or daddy found me at aroudn 8 years old crying on the bathroom
floor. Why was I crying..?
School for me really was a place of living HELL. I didn't have a lot of friends 1 - 7, and a very small bit of 8 grade. I don't know what was wrong with me
but all the kids seemed to just hate me more then the other little faggot kids. Well everyday I'd go to school and I'd always
get called names like you know stupid, ugly, gay, retarded, poppyhead, you know all the classics. But if you remember way
back then say yea, 8, and some little snot head calls you a retard or stupid it bothers you for days, like the worst thing
EVER! Have you gotten that every day for years, and year from those little fuckers? I did.
In 3rd grade I
was known as the 'Ugly Duckling' for a week or two ONLY BECAUSE I broke out in hives from some damn
green sweater. In 5th grade it was a bit different. For a few months or so the big word was 'GAYLORD'. Do you remember
GAYLORD? Tell me how fucking pathetic is that? Yea even that shit affected me! But still the years went on, and on, and on.
Then middle school came. 7th grade WoW! I was so happy! I got to meet new people from two other towns and maybe, just maybe
me being - made - fun - of time was over. Wrong. It only worsened. I honestly don't know what was/is wrong with me I mean
all the 'cool' popular kids would be all ''Eww, your so gross and ugly, die.'' Well you think that if a little girl
with years and years of being made fun of could take it well she can't and when people say to you ''just ignore it''
it's not that easy, trust me. In the little group of friends I did have though there wasn't much, 10 maybe, i don't remember
sadly, there was this one chick that I got very close to. Sarah. Sarah is her name, and it'll stay that way. She and I became
so close, I mean, WoW! We went and did everything together and I swear we were like sisters, we just didn't fight like them.
She made everything better and with her around it was so much easier to just sort of listen to the fuckers say shit to me,
and just let it pass by...
But
then there came that fateful time in February 2002 where we signed the papers and got the key to our new house in New Hampshire
and I went through a seriouser depression then. This isn't that exciting but it gets better. Nahh, I didn't start cutting
this time I just ate, slept, and cried for about 2 - 3 months, before, during, and after (still) I moved. I know i wouldn't
be going to school with Sarah or my other friends anymore and I wouldn't be able to be with my boyfriend (he dumped me the
last day of school). It was really rough on me. Here I am moving and going to a new school where all I'll hear is ''Eww,
your so gross and ugly, die.'' just like at my previous schools. Well see, now I'm a very big tomboy. I mean,
wow. Guys clothes and everything I dress like a guy and I wear old grungy ripped up clothes that look like they
were thrown in a puddle of mud and ran over by a car a few times (I love those clothes!!). But for the 1st month, maybe 2 I
was called a lesbian, dyke, transexual, all that cool stuff even though non of it's true and I used to go around saying ''PREPS
SUCK'' and I call the chicks preps and they'd be like ''I'm not a prep!'' and then they'd write ''PREPS
ROCK'' on their hands and stuff. What the FUCK is up with that?
Since
the begining of 8th grade I showed a lot of sigs of having ADHD
and ADD and so for some reason we had a sped meeting
and one of the ladies told my mum to check into having me placed on an ADHD drugs temp. til' I
could get my GAY tesing done. So my doctor put me on Adderall which
dramaticly calmed me down and made me behave in class. After a while I noticed that I was crying a lot and hating myself more
than usual and in my online journal and I always said how sad I was and that I was
crying all the time and how I was always getting mad at my (then) boyfriend Shane for NO REASON at all.
So then there was this one day in November,
the 21 (yea I still remember BITCH!) That was a fun day, nothing went really bad, and I went over Shane's house and we had
our friend come over and we built a dummy and put it at the side of the road and watched cars stop and shit, and then my mum
called and was like ''yea, I'm coming to get you now'' and I just flipped out on her. So when she get me she gave
Shane and our friend a ride to the dummy and then we went to Hannaford's to get my daddy a flashlight. When I'm with my parents
and they park the van/truck they usually leave me in there listening to music 'cause my mum takes fucking FOREVER
when she goes into the store but this time I told her to take the keys with her. Didn't want the piece - of - shit van stolen.
I wrote up a short suicide note and I left it on the driver's seat and then sneakly I took the rest of my mum's ibuprofen
'cause she has all kinds of drugs she gets to take, and I took them, ALL. There was probably about 25 - 30 pills, I should
have counted but it didn't come across my mind. so yea...I just got up and left and I walked down the road and shit...just
read it in my DJ. When
that all happed I was off Adderall 'cause
I completely flipped out and lost it in the principal's office and my mum brought me to the hospial where I was almost put
in. Then the night I ODd I was put it. I just got thrown into rehab, that's all.
While there they place me on an antidepresant called Wellburtrin. I was on
the 100mg at first but then my doctor person Wassy kept (as he called..) ''uping it'' and currently it's at a 300mg
but he can't go any high because my body can't handle it 'cause I'm pretty small. So today (7/14/2004) I'm getting placed
on another drug called Lexapro and I just got taken off an ADHD
drugs called Strattera which I guess helped me because it MADE me want to do work in school..scary....There
still is that little problem with my anxiety and all the paranoia that
I still suffer from and I don't even know what makes me so paranoid...What really gets me going
is being in woods, being outside at night, and hospitals. I didn't get attacked or raped or anything when I was younger, I'm
just scared it'll happen, that's really is, and with hospitals last time I went to one all I needed was to get blood drawn,
that didn't bother me or anything 'cause I'm not scared of needles, but the time before that I went and i had overdosed
and I got sent to a mentle health hospital for a few days and shit. That's what got me into being
scared of hospitals but I really don't like completely go out and freak out and shit, I just shake really bad and i start
sweating to. Yea, so anyway. The other meds that I'm on...Adderall, I'm taking that for ADHD and
Seroquel, 'cause I'm an insomniac.
Before being put onto Seroquel I was put on Tresadone
which completely failed as a sleeping med. I can't sleep, but it's original purpose
is for something called schizophrenia. Kinda funny 'cause I'm
no schitzo. In some other cases not like mine people develop eating disorders such as bulimia and
axorexia and some people burn themselves
and some try to vreak their bones with their own hands.
For a little while back in February 04' I did have a bit of anorexia
'cause I went a total of 9 days without eating and the outcome wasn't that great at all. The only reason that I did this was
because since I'm an insomniac and with some we get really bad nightmares, well, I have a couple that I died of food poisoning
and also at the time I was thinking very suicidal a lot of the time. I blacked out a couple times
in the shower, I became weak and almost passed out while walking down the stairs at school, my vision got real blurry, I became
very shakey and hott and tired all the time. It was around that time where I had realized that
I was addicted to cutting 'cause I also got suspended for some gay reasons (slamming a door = 2 days) and I cut myself
a lot then and around then it was my best friend's birthday and said that he wanted me to quit, and I thought I could til'
i just did it for no reason. I'd be in a content mood or something and then all of a sudden SLICE! I'm bleeding. I just worsened
and got better, worsened and got better, and worsened and got better as the time went by. Cut more, cut less, cut more, cut
less as the time went by. By the begining of April my birthday came around (4/03) and I had a pretty bad day then...then on
the 4th I got a new boyfriend, but after 2 weeks he dumped me for a whore. yea that hurt. He was really sort of, bLeh throughout
our relationship 'cause of all my cutting but I'm glad he had the courage to try and fight through knowing that I did it.
At the end of April I got a new boyfriend who I'm currently with right now, and
he didn't really seem to mind at all and stuff, but then it sort of went down and I cut more, got fired from my job (FOR HAVING
GREEN HAIR!), got suspended, and he dumped me. It when then and there where a friend told me that
he is all eh about me 'cause he used to have a girlfriend from another town and i guess they were together for a while and
broke up, and he got a call and a lady said ''come to the funeral'' and he was in shock. She commited suicide. I don't know
if that's the whoel thing, but just what I was told. His mum also saw my arm and she thinks I'm psyco like all his other ex's
'cause they were kind of like that girl but they didn't commit suicide. He's a wonderful guy, I could see why some chicks
would do that, but..I don't know...another reason why I quit 'cause I want for her to accept me 'cause when she first met
me she even said that she wouldn't mind at all if we went out, and they she liked me and I was a ''very nice sweet girl''
she said that to me, first time she met me, back in February. But I don't know...I still have the scars yea. but I'm trying
to get them to fade and shit.
So now we're getting closer to the present time...I did it again the other night
I have to admit it, I can't hold it in. I'm sorry guys that I let you down but my sister is following in my foot steps and
I'm worried. So worried I got so sad and overwhelmed I did it. She and her boyfriend broke up and she sliced her stomach 22
times and that did it, I don't want her doing it anymore, I don't want her ending up like me, and I don't want her getting
as bad as me. Hell my daddy was on the phone with her last night and I was in the bathroom balling my fucking eyes out 'cause
I really am concerned and worried about her. Both my parents had to come in and help calm me down, but it didn't help much.
August 6, 2004 302 days left till Pat comes home -
Yea, I cut myself 3 times already today it's coming back, and it's getting a
bit worse than it was before, but I don't know what to do. Kevin is telling me all this shit that Dennis doesn't like, and
it's all on me, o'course it'd be a lot better if Dennis himself was telling this to me instead of having Kevin as his messanger
boy. Two on my left calf, and one on my left thigh. Oh well. Sucks for you.
dfgsdfg
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